Reflection : Daydreams

I daydream a lot.

I’ve done this my whole life, my mom told me once when I was little I had such a hard time distinguishing between fantasy and reality I would tell strangers stories about my day at school that I’d made up in my head. I’ve always lived in my head. I read up on my social disorder once, a couple of years ago, when I realized how many things I had in common with other people with it, and I found this is also common.

My family normally puts up with my weird quirks, like the way I’ll pace for hours in counter-clockwise circles on my tip-toes when I’m contemplating something (at least, a little less than half my family members remain silent whilst I’m doing it) but they finally got upset when, for the umpteenth time, I became so lost in my daydream that I had to ask them to repeat the sentence they just said, because I honestly didn’t hear a word.

‘Why do you get lost in your head all the time?’ My step-mom (she has a more complicated title than this, but I’m too tired to go into specifics) asked me this once, frustrated at me.

I don’t remember what I replied, but I clearly remember what I thought immediately : I’ll stop daydreaming when reality becomes better than my daydreams.

This thought came back to me, a few minutes ago, when I was listening to music and daydreaming I was in a music video (I think this is something most teenage girls have done, though, however secretly) and it’s why I thought of writing this post.

I’ll stop daydreaming when reality becomes better than my daydreams.

I truthfully don’t think this will ever happen, I’m secretly extremely pessimistic, and as such I’m always thinking about the worst things that can happen. Truthfully, the reason why daydreaming is so much better than reality is I can control my daydreams. People only die when I want them to, there will only be unexpected bills when I want there to be, the cat will only escape when I want them to, etc. These little annoyances in life are like the turbulence on an airplane, it makes the ride a bit bumpy, and it can sometimes be a bit scary, but normally the beautiful view out the window (unless you’re trapped in the aisle-seat with a heavyset older woman asleep on your shoulder and breathing morning breath on you) and the destination at the end of the ride are ultimately worth it. Can you tell I suck at metaphors?

Well, that was lengthy and rambly, maybe I should change this from a reflection to a ramble.  I tried to let you guys in my head a bit, and I guess I might have accomplished that.. Do you daydream a lot? Do you have any other odd little quirks? Let me know in a comment.

Reflection : Small Talk

My family always thinks that my anxiety, my social disorder which I have been officially diagnosed with for years, is just something I’ll grow out of, a phase I’m going through because I’m stubborn. They think if me shove me outside of my comfort zone enough times, it will somehow miraculously expand.

They don’t know how it feels to panic when you’re calling someone on the phone and have trouble breathing because you’re terrified of not knowing what to say, to go out of your way to avoid talking to people because, again, you’re terrified of not knowing what to say and offending people and you suck at conversation.

You know what, though, me? Your version of a conversation 99% of the time with people you don’t know is a smile, nod, and occasional awkward laugh as you try to figure out the best way to get out of this conversation. And that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with sucking at small talk, you’re still horribly outspoken with people you’re comfortable around and had no problem defending your autistic brother when some stupid kid made fun of him, and that’s what matters, or at least that’s what should matter. Society shouldn’t force you to make friendly conversation about the weather or sports or life with people you really don’t care about when you’d much rather think about the meaning of life and your existential crisis. And you’re not broken, or weird, or stupid, or some sort of weirdo for this, despite what those kids in elementary school said. It’s just the way you are. And that’s fine.